University of FloridaSolutions for Your Life

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Publication #FAR0081

 

Goals of Negative Behavior1

Diana Converse2

Figure 1. 
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Children misbehave for a variety of reasons in order to get their needs met. Instead of reacting to the problem, parents can ask, "How is this behavior making me feel right now, and what emotional need is my child seeking to fulfill?"

If you feel annoyed and irritated, the child's purpose may be to get your attention. The most basic need of children is the need to belong—to feel valued and connected. This makes attention one of the strongest motives for a child's misbehavior. If you feel powerless and out of control, that's because your child's purpose is to gain power and control over you. Children want to be able to influence their environment, including their parents. Rebellion often comes when children feel inadequate to do this.

If you feel hurt by your child's behavior, the purpose may be revenge. Children perceive setbacks as if they were being singled out by others for punishment. They feel victimized and seek relief from their hurt feelings through acts of revenge. If you feel discouraged and helpless when your child misbehaves, their purpose is to withdraw from the situation in order to maintain their immature sense of pride and to escape the reality of their own limitations.

The solution is to understand the child's reason for misbehaving. This allows the parent to disengage from the mischief and feel competent to handle the situation while not taking it personally. Then the child's behavior, as well as any emotional needs, can be attended to.

Listening, learning, and living together: it's the science of life. "Family Album" is a co-production of University of Florida IFAS Extension, the Department of Family, Youth and Community Sciences, and of WUFT-FM. If you'd like to learn more, please visit our website at http://www.familyalbumradio.org.

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Footnotes

1.

This document is FAR0081, one of a series of the Family Youth and Community Sciences Department, Florida Cooperative Extension Service, Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences, University of Florida. Broadcast as program 410. Published in March 2009. Reviewed March 2012. In the interest of time and/or clarity, the broadcast version of this script may have been modified. Visit the EDIS website at http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu.

2.

Diana Converse, Extension agent III, Hillsborough County, Cooperative Extension Service, Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences, University of Florida, Gainesville, FL 32611.

The Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences (IFAS) is an Equal Opportunity Institution authorized to provide research, educational information and other services only to individuals and institutions that function with non-discrimination with respect to race, creed, color, religion, age, disability, sex, sexual orientation, marital status, national origin, political opinions or affiliations. For more information on obtaining other extension publications, contact your county Cooperative Extension service.

U.S. Department of Agriculture, Cooperative Extension Service, University of Florida, IFAS, Florida A. & M. University Cooperative Extension Program, and Boards of County Commissioners Cooperating. Nick T. Place, Dean.