University of FloridaSolutions for Your Life

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Publication #FAR0082

 

Power Struggles and Positive Choice1

Diana Converse2

Times have changed since the "Children should be seen and not heard" days. Now parents must seek ways to empower their children without sacrificing their own authority. Any parent knows that this is not an easy thing to do. Power struggles happen when the parent wants to be in total control and the child wants to be in control, too. Some of the most common issues that result in power struggles include chores, taking baths, going to bed, doing homework, and curfew.

Having raised three children, I remember bedtime struggles with toddlers resisting sleep. And with teensr it's been turning off the cell phone and Internet at bedtime. One way to avoid power struggles is to give your child some positive choices. Offering choices gives your child a little power or control over a few things in his or her life. This doesn't mean you let your child "run the show" or make all the decisions. It means you allow your child to make a (minor) choice, follow through with that choice, develop a sense of self-worth, and become a more responsible person.

Sometimes parents disguise punishment as choices—for example, "You can either set the table right now or go to your room." This negative approach is asking for a battle. A more effective approach is, "You can either set the table or you can clear the table. Which one do you want to do?" Parents have to be sure to adjust the number and type of choices to fit the age of their child. Choices allow your child to feel more in control of his or her world and can eliminate many negative power struggles.

Listening, learning, and living together: it's the science of life. "Family Album" is a co-production of University of Florida IFAS Extension, the Department of Family, Youth and Community Sciences, and of WUFT-FM. If you'd like to learn more, please visit our website at http://www.familyalbumradio.org.

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Footnotes

1.

This document is FAR0082, one of a series of the Family Youth and Community Sciences Department, Florida Cooperative Extension Service, Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences, University of Florida. Broadcast as program 411. Published March 2009. Revised March 2009. Reviewed March 2012. In the interest of time and/or clarity, the broadcast version of this script may have been modified. Visit the EDIS website at http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu.

2.

Diana Converse, Extension agent III, Hillsborough County, Cooperative Extension Service, Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences, University of Florida, Gainesville, FL 32611.

The Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences (IFAS) is an Equal Opportunity Institution authorized to provide research, educational information and other services only to individuals and institutions that function with non-discrimination with respect to race, creed, color, religion, age, disability, sex, sexual orientation, marital status, national origin, political opinions or affiliations. For more information on obtaining other extension publications, contact your county Cooperative Extension service.

U.S. Department of Agriculture, Cooperative Extension Service, University of Florida, IFAS, Florida A. & M. University Cooperative Extension Program, and Boards of County Commissioners Cooperating. Nick T. Place, Dean.